im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
