I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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