So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
