Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
