I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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