i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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