ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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