I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
me + whiskey = a bad person
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
