I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
