I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
