he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
