i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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