I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
