He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
