i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
