First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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