So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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