you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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