Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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