Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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