Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
