I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
