listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize