Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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