when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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