I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
