Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I have fence marks all over my body
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
