I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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