Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
