We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
