did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
