I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
