He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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