I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
That was before I lit my hair on fire
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
