Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
