haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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