best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
