Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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