if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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