you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
