SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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