I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
