WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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