I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Dick very happy bro
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
