Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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