I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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