Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
