eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Michael Bay diarrhea
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
