Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Just puked most of my soul out..
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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