Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
