I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
