he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
