Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
