I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
