Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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