please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
