this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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